“I gave my best and I’m just not good enough”
“I’m not hot enough to pull off this dress”
“If he doesn’t love me, then I just must not be good enough”
“I’m not fun enough to make new friends”
Why do we do this? Why do we diminish our value? Who told us we weren’t worthy of electrifying connection that LASTS? Who made us believe that we aren’t stunning, staggering, breathtaking?
The answer is complicated and varied. Most of us were taught that we are only lovable based on whether others love us. For me, it stems to the relationship (or lack thereof) that I had with my father. For you, it could be something else. We have to recognize this flawed way of thinking we have become so accustomed to. Once we identify that we have these patterns of thought, they can be addressed.
The only way that I know to combat unworthiness is through unwrapping who you are at your core and learning to love that. Stop trying to hide your true self. Stop shuffling through all of these masks that we feel that we need to wear so that our souls remain tucked away. Let go of trying to be someone you aren’t. Stop shoving yourself down to fit inside a particular mold. It will feel scary, it will be hard. Vulnerability takes a level of courage that we don’t naturally have as adults, it has to be cultivated and practiced daily. You absolutely have to sit in a quiet place and soul search and read books and watch videos and talk to trusted peers about what self-love looks like, and decide that you are worthy of your own affection and unconditional love. I suggest Brene Brown above all other references as well as Neghar Fanooni.
There is so much RIGHT about you. HI did you hear me? Stop zooming in on your perceived flaws, start appreciating and showing gratitude to your strengths. There is so much more right with you than there is wrong with you. Write something new down every day that you love about yourself. Banish that negative self-talk. You are funny enough to tell that joke, you are smart enough to get into that program, you are wonderful enough to attract equally wonderful life partners. When you feel afraid to share your soul in a new relationship because they might not like what they see? We have to walk away from that line of thinking. “You are the universe in ecstatic motion.” Believe it. Share it.
You are not alone. We ALL have these thoughts in some form. We all go through the ups and downs of life. And even still, if we don’t actively practice our self-love and use our tools to combat shame demons, those self-deprecating thoughts will still brew under the surface. Make connections with like-minded individuals, walk away from unhealthy people in your life.
Stop comparing. When you feel like you should be further ahead in life than you are. When everyone else is getting married and starting families and you’re still living with roommates. When those girls look better in bikinis. When friends are taking vacations and you’re still living paycheck to paycheck. Stop worrying about the script of someone else’s life and start focusing on the life you want to be living. Find patience with yourself and in the Universe. You are exactly where you need to be. Everything is unfolding exactly as it should.
You will always have critics. This is just life. Hurt people hurt other people. Be a light to this world, get to a place where you love yourself so much that you can’t help but to share that even when someone says something to hurt you. Do not tie your worth to the words of others. Do not tie your worth to anything else. Your worthiness doesn’t have a damn thing to do with your age, weight, height, number of blemishes, number of degrees, paycheck or how far along in life someone thinks you should be. Know that.
Disappointment is a part of life. We will fail. We will have heartbreak. You can’t hide from life because of the what if. WHAT IF someone judges you for being weird? WHAT IF someone judges you for the way you look? Well WHAT IF someone thinks you are the most exquisite being they have ever come to lay eyes on or know? Shift your focus. Understand there will be disappoints and that disappointment isn’t exclusive to you. Fuck the fear and start living a loving and fulfilling life that you always dreamed for yourself.
I’m not an expert. I have my own feelings of unworthiness that still bubble up to the surface and take me by surprise. But I am choosing to walk away from these feelings of unworthiness, for good. We have to stay conscious in our efforts to counter the negative self-talk with awareness and kindness. It’s not easy to be authentic and open with our hearts in a society that seems to value the opposite. It takes a level of courage to peel back your layers and show up saying HEY this is who I am. I’m here to encourage you to know yourself, your TRUE self, and learn to love her. Then I invite you to show up authentically at home, in new or existing relationships, with yourself, at work, at school, on social media. It’s going to feel scary, there’s a lot more at stake, sure. But just watch how your life will REALLY start to get amazing. The right people will start to enter your life, the wrong people will slip out stage right. Your heart and soul will expand in ways you have never before taken the time to imagine.
You be you and let the world adjust accordingly. YOU ARE YOU AND THAT IS ENOUGH.