It is the first day of October. My favorite month, in fact. I thought it was about time to shake the dust off of the laptop, and tell you why I haven’t been writing lately.
Have you ever felt like you aren’t sure what you want to do with your life? Do you ever feel like none of what you are spending your time, energy and resources on really matters? Does your motivation ever just vanish? Hello, and welcome to a little life event I like to call an existential crisis. I got married and moved across the country within a span of one week. Existential crisis, comin’ right up!
Before deciding to move to California, I had a list of projects that I was working on. It seemed like I was doing a photo shoot every week with a local photographer. I was meeting new movers and shakers in my community. I was attending events and networking. I was getting freelance work for social media influencing and creating. I had received some basic training on launching a podcast and purchased the equipment. I wrote an e-book with plans for a second.
If everything was so great, why did I decide to move?
I have wanted to move for a very long time. West Virginia was my home but never quite felt like home. I was very grateful that in the months leading up to my move, I was able to see it in a new light. I felt like there was more long term opportunity in California, especially in the fields of work I hope to be in. I also have always (always) wanted to live by the beach and in a politically progressive place. And I wanted more access to vegan food (and other vegans!) I really do love it here. I wasn’t quite expecting, though, to lose so much of my excitement and fervor for my projects. I guess, maybe, I have been a bit too hard on myself and not hard enough, all at once. On the one hand, I have only lived here a very short amount of time. On the other, I could sit down and get the podcast going, I could sit down and produce multiple blog posts. I just haven’t felt like creating, and that is why I am writing this and doing it anyway.
Sometimes, it isn’t about what you feel like doing. It’s just fucking doing it anyway. It’s about believing in yourself. It’s allowing yourself space to question if anything you are doing matters, while also moving forward with the conviction that it does.
So, how am I coping?
Some days I cry a lot. Some days I laugh a lot. Sometimes it’s both in the same day. I have been going to the beach as much as possible. I have been exploring my new city, sometimes I feel brave enough to do this on my own and sometimes I don’t. I have been spending time with the friends that I have here. I have been working out, eating healthy. Sometimes I bite Danny’s head off for no reason and other times I collapse into his chest. I have been avoiding this blog. I have been mentally selling my talent (and myself) short.
What’s my advice?
Look, life is messy. And sometimes life is just really fucking tough. Give yourself some credit, though. And stop being so hard on yourself. I’m not telling you that the scariest thing you will ever do is to say “yes” to that scary decision you have been thinking about. Honestly? The scariest part will probably come after. The magic is in the follow through. The magic is in the patience, the trust. Find the courage, and keep the courage. And some days, allow yourself to fall apart if that is what you need. Take a hiatus. Take deep breaths. Do whatever you need to live a fearlessly full life of your wildest imagination.
Bet on yourself. Go all in.
What scary decisions have you been considering lately?