The following tips include some of my own experiences and opinions on how to be more open and accepting of pleasure. They also include tips from other women that reached out to me via Instagram. The answers I received were all very similar, which strengthened my own convictions about the following tips.
I define a "well-fucked woman" as a sexually empowered and pleased woman who is comfortable coming into their own power, in and out of the bedroom.
- Self Pleasure. I know ya'll are probably sick to death of me talking about masturbation but it is the linchpin to your sexual pleasure. You can't expect anyone to know what feels good for you if YOU don't know. Masturbation is a safe way to explore your body and your pleasure centers. Educate yourself, friends. I talk more about this on my sexual health post, read it here.
- Own Your Vulnerability. You can have just okay (sometimes even good) sex by remaining shielded. For truly amazing sex, though, you have got to stay open to surrendering. You have to find space to be able to truly receive. This means that you are comfortable with showing up in, and sharing, your vulnerability with your partner(s). This is why choosing the correct sexual partner(s) is important, not everyone is going to be able to hold space for your vulnerability and be open to giving and receiving back to you. When you have sex with someone, energy is transferred. If you don't feel like this person has energy that you want to consume into your body and consciousness, do not choose them as a partner.
- Express What You Need. Be a better communicator with your partner. Express what you need not only to feel pleasure but also to feel safe. Being a better communicator comes from knowing your innate worth and value and getting clear on what you truly value and want. This requires a lot of inside work and self-growth. For me, I had to start accepting the fact that I deserved to feel good, I deserved equal access to pleasure. This also means for me, that I have to be better at setting and enforcing boundaries. An example of a necessary boundary for me in the bedroom is that I need my partner to stay with me after we have finished. If they just hurry and leave, I am left with feelings of being abandoned. This stems from my childhood trauma with abandonment, and I have been able to recognize that, work through it and set boundaries to avoid unnecessary pain.
- Enjoy Sex. Well-fucked women genuinely enjoy sex. They own their sexuality. They have worked through any and all shame demons and have done work to lay them to rest. Sometimes, we come from a background where sex was encompassed in a world of shame, pain or secrecy. I myself attended a conservative, private, Christian-based primary and secondary school so I received zero sexual education in a formal setting. I had to really do some intense inside work to get clear on my own beliefs about sexuality, not those that were dictated to me by others.
- Positive Affirmations. Give yourself permission to have amazing, mind-blowing sex. Give yourself permission to feel sexy, desired and loved. Positive affirmations are just positive sentences that you repeat to yourself because you want to bring something specific into existence. The theory is based in the Law of Attraction and manifestation. Our thoughts and words have energy. I am encouraging you to start applying the practice of positive affirmations to your sexuality. You can find specific examples of these and learn more in my ebook, coming in July. (I will update this post when it is live with a link for purchase!)
- Don't Compare. Yes, this is another one you hear me tout regularly, and yes, this even applies to your sexuality. You cannot compare your experiences or desires to those around you. When speaking with Jules about her own experiences, she reminded me of the shame that I used to feel about my sexuality because I was continually surrounded by women with different experiences than me. Whether they intended to shame me or not, they did, but I also allowed them to. It is okay to have friends with different opinions, moral grounding and upbringing than you. What is not okay is if they make you feel bad or different, or if you make them feel bad or different, about sexual choices and partners. Your wants and needs are uniquely yours. Own it, honey!