Feeling Sexy with the Light ON

Feeling sexy with  As You Are Boudoir

Feeling sexy with As You Are Boudoir

I get asked a lot how I feel sexy *even with the lights on*. Most women hold back during sex because they aren't 100% confident about the way their body looks. Maybe you have flipped the lights off and gotten under the covers before you let your partner see you. When we live in this state of shame, self-consciousness or mental distraction we are totally pussy-blocking ourselves and missing out on the joy of connection. So let's talk about how we can love ourselves a little more and leave those lights on.

When you spend time worrying about what body parts may be too soft, too jiggly, too saggy, too small, you end up ruining your own good time (and your partners).

We've all read and heard time and time again that the key to looking and feeling sexy is confidence. But it is never that simple. If you find yourself freaking out about being on top because of your belly rolls, or reaching to turn the lights out every time things get frisky you're making yourself enjoy it less by not being present in the moment. Not to mention you are missing out on a lot of fun! It isn't fair to deny yourself of those simple but profound joys in life.

Throughout this journey these past few years, I have really been confronted with my own self loathing. It might come as a shock that I can still go to those places of calling myself names, comparing and finding myself stuck staring in the mirror. Yes, I have conquered body shame and self acceptance by embracing my sexual pleasure but that doesn't mean that I don't still struggle. It doesn't mean sometimes I don't want to turn the lights off. There are days when I forgo having sex because my shame demons are roaring so loudly between my ears that I can't even fathom being intimate.

Photo by As You Are Boudoir

Photo by As You Are Boudoir

Am I a fake— or am I simply keepin' it real? I guess you get to be the judge of that, friends. I have been able to heal so much of the damage that I have walked around with for most of my life when it comes to my sexuality and my body. But everyday, when I wake up and start my day anew, it takes a little bit of courage to love myself just as I am. On those days that I wake up with bloat, it's a little harder than other days. On the days when there is stress in my life and I feel overwhelmed, I am most quick to attack my own self. 

Self loving is a practice. Feeling sexy is a practice. Let's practice together.

Yes, we will have hard days. If you are just starting out on your self-love journey, know that there will be more difficult days than easy. It may take you months before you feel ready to start feeling confident with the lights on. But know that it is worth it, and that you are capable.  I want you to love yourself in and out of the bedroom, with the lights on and the lights off, upside down and right-side up. It’s time to bring your sexy back. Find out how I quiet those voices in my head and start feeling sexy...

I have linked my ebook below which outlines all of the ways that I was able to find my self-confidence and revolutionize my sexuality. Practicing these steps allowed for me to feel more loving, confident and sexy in my own damn skin, and that shit is priceless. 

Vegan Donuts & Morning Sex eBook
1.99 4.99

5 simple and easy vegan breakfast recipes, 10 tips and tools to empower you to feel like your sexiest self & a few surprises. . .

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Boob Insecurities, Breast Exams, and My Thoughts on Bras

So, what happens if you don't wear a bra? Keep reading to find out.   Photography by Most Exalted

So, what happens if you don't wear a bra? Keep reading to find out. Photography by Most Exalted

Despite what the media tells us, boobs come in a variety of shapes, sizes, textures and colors. This shit has made us so insecure about our naked bodies; our boobs are no exception. I have written this post to clear up a lot of misconceptions about boobs in the hopes of helping you heal and overcome your own insecurities and questions surrounding breasts.

Artwork by Tina Maria Elena

Artwork by Tina Maria Elena

The power of marketing truly blows my mind. I remember looking through magazines, movies and TV and seeing these beautiful models and actresses. They seemed to have perfect, perky breasts. It really wasn’t a thought in my mind to be embarrassed about my boobs until I was through puberty and considering the idea of allowing other people to actually see my boobs. I thought my areolae were too big. My nipples too flat. I thought I was a freak because I had hair around my nipples, and would spend time every day making sure I plucked all the hair out. There was no open dialogue about the normality of vast differences in breasts. If you find yourself feeling a little embarrassed about your boobs, I just want you to know that you don’t have to be. And whatever it is, it is SO normal. Boobs are super cool and also super weird. They can be 2 different shapes, you can have hairy nipples, 3 nipples, you can have super sensitive nipples. Speaking of nipple sensitivity, I have like...none. It kind of sucks, maybe? But I don’t know any other way. It doesn’t feel good (or bad) when my nipples are played with, because honestly I can’t really feel it.

All boobs are great boobs.

Our culture has instilled in us that boobs are objects. They are often seen as toys rather than body parts. YES, it is okay (and normal!) if your boobs are saggy, sensitive, insensitive, uneven, scarred, large, small, hairy or anything in between. 

Your body is your home.

Your body is your home.

Nipple Hair, Though?

It is estimated that around 30% of the female population has nipple hair growth. The real stats are probably higher because if anyone was in the throes of their boob shame, they aren't going to admit to having nipple hair to anyone. It is totally normal, and rarely indicates that there is some abnormality. Nipple hair growth is one symptom of polycystic ovary syndrome (PCOS) but you would have other symptoms, not just this one. 

Thinking about getting rid of it? For years I plucked out every damn wiry strand. Now? I rarely fuss with it because it doesn't bother me. If it affects your confidence, though, removal is an option. Whatever you do, DO NOT use products like Nair or other chemical hair removers. These are super sensitive nipples we are talking about here! Plucking was my go to, and it always led to gnarly ingrown hairs. You could just snip them to keep them trim, or you could shave them. Some salons even offer a waxing options, but definitely do not try this at home with your regular wax. 

Do I Really Need To Do A Self Breast Exam?

Yes and no. In recent years, medical professionals have shifted away from the idea that self breast exams are necessary. This is because women are not taught properly how to do it but also because studies have indicated that a woman who does the breast exam is no less likely to die from breast cancer than the woman that does not do the exam. It is increasingly being encouraged that you become intimately familiar with your unique breast shape and type, the feeling of your breast tissue and all of the regular bumps and lumps that are uniquely yours. Your breasts go through cycles, similarly to all of your other bodily functions, and you need to have an awareness of your own natural rhythm and cycle. If you haven't become comfortable in your awareness of your boobs and what they feel like yet, it definitely is not too late. Feel and touch on them regularly; if you have a partner, encourage them to be your second opinion. Having two people with a general familiarity of what is "normal" for you will be more beneficial if you ever feel like you come across an irregularity down the road. If you notice a change, especially one that is painful or involves swelling, discharge or itchiness, seek a medical professional. Do not just assume it will go away by ignoring the problem. I know this is a scary subject, but it doesn't have to be with a little education and a lot of self-awareness. 

I love a bralette. Comfy with just enough support and coverage. Photo by  Andrea Miner

I love a bralette. Comfy with just enough support and coverage. Photo by Andrea Miner

Did You Burn All Your Bras?

I didn't, actually. Sometimes I wear a bra, and sometimes I don't. I view bras now as another fashion accessory and not something that is unquestionably necessary. Wearing a bra is a choice, just as wearing makeup or shaving is a choice.

It's really uncomfortable for me to workout without a sports bra, so I don't. Most of my sports bras now come via my Ellie Activewear subscription box. I have never been let down. Some of them are for light impact like yoga or weight lifting, others for higher impact like jumping and running. 

As I stated in my story of my younger self, I used to opt only for underwire bras with a lot of padding. Now, though, I definitely prefer little to no padding. I typically prefer comfort to aesthetics. Fortunately, I recently found True & Co. whose bras are both comfortable and cute. Some tops that I wear are very shear, so I often wear the X bra to wear underneath those tops for work. The fit is great, and they even have a little quiz to determine which bras are the best for your boob shape and size.

So, what happens if you don't wear a bra?

  • You will feel like a free bird. You will probably decide you much rather prefer the freeing feeling of going braless. You know that feeling at the end of the day when you take your bra off? Yea, you can basically feel like that all day, every day.
  • Your tops will fit differently. This can be positive or negative, depending on your mindset and the top. Some tops I prefer to wear a bralette with because it looks better and makes me feel more confident. Other tops just look better without a bra.
  • Your back might start to hurt. The support that a bra offers is especially important for women with larger boobs. Without that support that your back is used to, there may be discomfort or pain. Don't just ignore that and push through it or there could be some real damage. Maybe trying a different style of bra that isn't as constricting or without wire could give you a more comfortable feeling while still offering some support. 
  • You will get some stares. You might not, but you probably will. I am always really amazed at the number of stares that I get directed toward my chest when I don't have a bra on. It's kind of annoying but I just tell myself it is out of curiosity and not coming from a harmful place. I am hopeful that it will become more and more normative and therefore will elicit less and less stares. 

I hope this post helped you in some way. Maybe it strengthened your resolve in what you already knew. Maybe it made you feel not so alone in your insecurity around your breasts. Maybe you learned something new. You are beautiful. Your body is exquisite. You are the Universe. 

Self-Love Lessons from the Women's Locker Room

Secret Lagoon hot pot in Iceland

Secret Lagoon hot pot in Iceland

How a hot pot locker room in Iceland reminded me that body image is cultural and that self-love is a continual practice.

When was the last time you got naked in front of strangers? I practice getting metaphorically naked in front of strangers all the time on the internet in the form of baring my feelings, vulnerabilities and thoughts to the internet. However, on this last trip to Iceland, I learned that there are many ways to practice self-love and that just because we think we are comfortable in our bodies, there will always be lessons to learn. 

It was a cold late-January afternoon and we had decided to spend time at Gamla Laugin (or Secret Lagoon) which is a natural hot spring in the Golden Circle area of Iceland. After paying for my ticket, the worker reminded me that they do ask that we shower without a swimsuit on prior to entering the hot pot. (Many of Iceland’s pools have minimal or no chlorine in them, so for everyone’s peace of mind, all who get into the water have to make sure their body isn’t polluting it with germs.) I nodded, and headed towards the women's locker room.

I entered the fairly empty locker room with my friend that I was traveling with. We both chose a locker and began to strip off our many layers of winter clothing. I wasn't sure where the showers were located, so I wandered around getting oriented with the locker room. There was a concrete divider to separate the main part of the locker room with the line of shower heads. There were no curtain to divide them, no privacy. There were posters highlighting all the regions you must lather attentively: head, armpits, undercarriage, feet.

I meandered back to my locker with my mind racing. "I know they said to shower naked but I am sure it will be fine if I just keep my swimsuit on!", "Okay, my mind is made up, I will just wear my swimsuit into the shower, take it off momentarily and then pull it back on." I looked to my friend and voiced my concern. In America, we just aren't raised to see other women (or people) naked like in Europe or other cultures. In locker rooms, we have totally separate showers or, at the very least, they are separated by a curtain. 

Then, while still deciding what I was going to do, I noticed an older woman entering the shower area completely naked, like it was the most natural thing in the world. And that is when I realized it IS the most natural thing in the world. I felt a bit of jealousy for the women of Iceland, not just because they have the privilege of calling this beautiful country home but because they get to grow up feeling comfortable with the female form. They grow up feeling comfortable with their own body but also the bodies of real women. Real women with saggy breasts, pregnant bellies, stretch marks, cellulite, tall and thin, tall and squishy. There is no Photoshop in the locker rooms.

These few moments in the women's locker room were turning out to be quite introspective. What was I apprehensive about? What was I afraid of? What was making me uncomfortable? It was that woman that gave me courage. I pulled off my clothes and headed into the shower (which no one else was in, by the way). I felt proud of myself for not allowing whatever body-image demons that were lingering in my mind to win that day. I also felt this sense of freedom. I pulled on my swimsuit and opened the door to an arctic blast of wind. I hurried into the hot spring, and felt instant relief from the biting cold.

“I think the swimming pools are what make it possible to live here,” the young artist Ragnheidur Harpa Leifsdottir said. “You have storms, you have darkness, but the swimming pool is a place for you to find yourself again.”

When it was time to exit the hot spring and head back into the locker room, I had no apprehension. I peeled off my wet swimsuit and headed into the shower. I did take notice that there was a woman showering with her bikini on. I wondered if she was having an introspective moment of her own. I hoped that my courage would rub off on her. I hoped that she had a self-love practice. 

I wanted to tell you this story because it felt trans-formative for me. I wanted to remind you that self-love is a continual and daily practice. Shame demons come from nowhere sometimes, and that is okay. I encourage you to find your own "Icelandic hot pot locker room" moment. Practice standing in front of a mirror, naked, and speaking all the things that you love about your body.  Surround yourself with real women, real bodies. Stop punishing yourself trying to look like someone that you aren't or an image that was curated. 

Secret Lagoon

On another note, if you do find yourself in Iceland in search of the nearest hot pot, I highly recommend this website