Feeling Sexy with the Light ON

Feeling sexy with  As You Are Boudoir

Feeling sexy with As You Are Boudoir

I get asked a lot how I feel sexy *even with the lights on*. Most women hold back during sex because they aren't 100% confident about the way their body looks. Maybe you have flipped the lights off and gotten under the covers before you let your partner see you. When we live in this state of shame, self-consciousness or mental distraction we are totally pussy-blocking ourselves and missing out on the joy of connection. So let's talk about how we can love ourselves a little more and leave those lights on.

When you spend time worrying about what body parts may be too soft, too jiggly, too saggy, too small, you end up ruining your own good time (and your partners).

We've all read and heard time and time again that the key to looking and feeling sexy is confidence. But it is never that simple. If you find yourself freaking out about being on top because of your belly rolls, or reaching to turn the lights out every time things get frisky you're making yourself enjoy it less by not being present in the moment. Not to mention you are missing out on a lot of fun! It isn't fair to deny yourself of those simple but profound joys in life.

Throughout this journey these past few years, I have really been confronted with my own self loathing. It might come as a shock that I can still go to those places of calling myself names, comparing and finding myself stuck staring in the mirror. Yes, I have conquered body shame and self acceptance by embracing my sexual pleasure but that doesn't mean that I don't still struggle. It doesn't mean sometimes I don't want to turn the lights off. There are days when I forgo having sex because my shame demons are roaring so loudly between my ears that I can't even fathom being intimate.

Photo by As You Are Boudoir

Photo by As You Are Boudoir

Am I a fake— or am I simply keepin' it real? I guess you get to be the judge of that, friends. I have been able to heal so much of the damage that I have walked around with for most of my life when it comes to my sexuality and my body. But everyday, when I wake up and start my day anew, it takes a little bit of courage to love myself just as I am. On those days that I wake up with bloat, it's a little harder than other days. On the days when there is stress in my life and I feel overwhelmed, I am most quick to attack my own self. 

Self loving is a practice. Feeling sexy is a practice. Let's practice together.

Yes, we will have hard days. If you are just starting out on your self-love journey, know that there will be more difficult days than easy. It may take you months before you feel ready to start feeling confident with the lights on. But know that it is worth it, and that you are capable.  I want you to love yourself in and out of the bedroom, with the lights on and the lights off, upside down and right-side up. It’s time to bring your sexy back. Find out how I quiet those voices in my head and start feeling sexy...

I have linked my ebook below which outlines all of the ways that I was able to find my self-confidence and revolutionize my sexuality. Practicing these steps allowed for me to feel more loving, confident and sexy in my own damn skin, and that shit is priceless. 

Vegan Donuts & Morning Sex eBook
1.99 4.99

5 simple and easy vegan breakfast recipes, 10 tips and tools to empower you to feel like your sexiest self & a few surprises. . .

Add To Cart

Came Through Drippin' (and Squirting?)

Ecstasy Flowers via  Ouvra

Ecstasy Flowers via Ouvra

Curious about squirting? Same. Maybe you do it, saw it in porn, or have just heard about it and want to know more. Squirting is one of the biggest urban legends of sex. It's like, the Loch Ness Monster of sex. You hear stories, rumors, etc. and it gets built up to this mythical phenomena of select females. So, let's talk about it. 

Okay, first of all, let's get our facts straight. 

A recent study in the Journal of Sexual Medicine studied seven self-identified squirters. (Obviously, a larger sample size would be ideal, but it’s probably not easy to find females who squirt and who agree to do it for the sake of science.) The findings came back to conclude that this fluid is basically diluted urine. Essentially, squirting = peeing.

"Ew, oh my god, pee!" We all pee. Literally all of us. Let's not make it a thing, okay? It is not shameful. And no, not exactly glamorous but neither is semen or any other bodily function, am I right? (I am.) This is still hotly debated, some sources say it is not urine. The scope of the study and the evidence say otherwise but if it makes you feel more comfortable then tell yourself it's fucking liquid magic, you know?

The squirting you see in porn is not real life (shocking). Those women put water into their vaginas and then push it out when the director gives his cue. Which you could totally try at home if you are into it. Why not, right? 

What's the difference?

Squirting, orgasm, female ejaculation...aren't they the same thing? Nope. While squirting is the bigger gush of liquid that shoots out from the urethra, female ejaculation is a much smaller concentration of liquid that occurs in the vagina. Female ejaculate is  stringier than urine — almost the consistency of saliva. These two things CAN occur at the same time, but typically when we think of "squirting" we are not thinking of female ejaculation. 

Word on the street (aka the internet) is that you can learn to squirt. Hitting the G-Spot is mission critical if you want to squirt. It can start with massaging but it needs to be pretty vigorous motion to trigger the squirting. It will feel like you have to pee, that same sense of urgency. DO NOT STOP FUCKING TO GO PEE. You probably don't have to actually pee, you are just confusing the fuck out of your body by distracting from the fact that you were about to orgasm. Just let go, bb.

On that same note, lemme talk for just a second about letting go. Find a partner that makes you feel safe, supported and loved. You can let go of that control. You can lean into pleasure. You fucking deserve to feel amazing. Okay? Believe it, because it's true.

Don't be embarrassed

Whether you can or you can't, it's nothing to be ashamed or embarrassed of! If it hasn't or isn't happening for you, it is not your fault. It might be that physiologically not ALL women have the potential for squirting. So if this is something you wish you could do, but just can't, don't be hard on yourself. Our basic anatomies are all pretty similar but when it comes to stuff like this, different strokes for different folks. And if it does happen for you, hell yea! 

Sunday Sex Playlist

Megan Leigh Photography

Megan Leigh Photography

If there was ever a day for vegan donuts and morning sex, it's Sunday. In my opinion, amazing sex can always feel even more amazing when you're met with a dope playlist to fuck to. Starting slow and staying in bed all day having sex? Chill but sexy, those kinda vibes coming through for this playlist. I put this together for my own pleasure, so it has a lot of my own tastes in music, and some were added thanks to your recommendations via Instagram

Enjoy!


Vegan Donuts & Morning Sex eBook
1.99 4.99

5 simple and easy vegan breakfast recipes, 10 tips and tools to empower you to feel like your sexiest self & a few surprises. . .

Add To Cart

Let's Smash the Period Sex Stigma

Photography by the talented  Most Exalted

Photography by the talented Most Exalted

I'm going to let you in on a little secret. Sex is one of the greatest pleasures life has to offer. Second only to pizza. And guess what? Period sex is like pizza: If you want it, you deserve it. I'm real tired of old and outdated taboos lingering around, dictating what we should or should not be doing, so let's smash the period taboo once and for all, shall we? 

In an average woman's lifetime, she will menstruate approximately 450 times, for a total of 2,280 days. Contrary to the taboo that has remained in place for centuries, that's 6 years of great sex you could be enjoying. Let's keep normalizing natural female processes, but maybe we can take it a step further and even celebrate them.

Before I dive in: you obviously need to feel comfortable with your partner about opening up the conversation and possibility of trying period sex. The same rules apply to period sex as they do for any sex. Not into it? Don't do it. Don't pressure your partner and don't feel pressured by your partner. Okay? Okay.

FACTS 

  • You can still get pregnant when you’re on your period. What a bummer, I know. Having sex toward the beginning of your period gives you a much lesser chance of getting pregnant, though. If you have a partner you feel comfortable having unprotected sex with, the beginning of your period is a nice time to have sex sans condoms. But be aware, sperm can live in the uterus for up to 5 days, and if you have sex near the end of your cycle, it's possible that the sperm will be present when you ovulate and pregnancy can occur.
  • If you are imagining a bloody disaster post period sex, stop. You will probably be happy to realize it doesn't look like a murder scene when it's over. If you have sex during the end of your period, you might even find that there's no mess at all. And, really, isn't all sex a little messy and gross? 
  • If you aren't using birth control, in order to prevent pregnancy, you should use condom.
  • You can still contract STIs when having period sex, so be sure use whatever protection works for you.
  • There are a lot of religious, cultural and spiritual practices that discourage sex during menstruation. These practices are rooted in spiritual beliefs but not biological. There is nothing physically preventing or hindering you from having great sex on your period.
Art by Lyla Freechild

Art by Lyla Freechild

ALL THE REASONS YOU SHOULD BE HAVING PERIOD SEX

  • Menstrual blood = your body's natural lube. Lube makes sex better. No contest. And this particular lube happens to be free and all-natural. 
  • Orgasms cure cramps (and headaches). I personally don't want to have sex when I am experiences a lot of cramping pain during my period. With light cramps, though, I find that they tend to be alleviated by orgasm. This also works for headaches. Try it.
  • Shorter period. Can it be true? You might find that your flow increases after having sex. However, this also means that your period won't last as long. The same amount of blood will be present, but instead of taking longer to make its way down, the sex actually stretches the muscles and allows it to happen more quickly than it would have otherwise.
  • More Pleasure. Not only does allowing yourself to have sex during a week that you would have otherwise avoided it facilitate more pleasure, you may also find that your orgasms are stronger. This has to do with the natural lube we talked about, and also that you may be more sensitive to touch and to feeling during your period.

BEST POSITIONS FOR PERIOD SEX

  • Shower sex. I personally feel like I am always disappointed in shower sex. It is great for period sex especially, any and all mess is cleaned up right away. This is great if your partner is a clean freak but also still wants to get freaky. 
  • Laying on your side/Spooning. I find this to be great if I am having a self-conscious day about my period bloat or am feeling especially lazy but also am horny.
  • Missionary. Ole faithful, if you will. This position is great if you are worried about a mess, having your hips tilted upwards definitely helps, and don't forget that towel if you are especially worried.
  • Solo dolo. If you don't have a partner that you feel comfortable enough with to share period sex, or maybe your partner just isn't into it, self-pleasure is always a great option. You don't even have to remove your menstrual cup (or tampon) to experience clit stimulation and orgasm. Woo!
  • Anal. Oh boy, right? We can talk more in-depth about anal sex in an upcoming post...but for now, know that it is the perfect option if you aren't into period sex but still want to be having sex during your period. Bodies are cool.
I use the  Lunette Cup

I use the Lunette Cup

Just a note while we are talking about periods. If you haven't tried a menstrual cup yet, I would highly suggest it. The longer I continue to use mine, the more I love it. There is a learning curve, but once you get the hang of it, it totally changes the game. Not only is it safer for your body (i.e. no chemicals, toxins etc.) but it is also better for the environment and your wallet! Check out my favorite cup, and my blog on FAQs about menstrual cups.

Really though, the key to having great sex while on your period is to feel comfortable. Remember there's nothing to be embarrassed about! The Divine Feminine is in you. You are magic. Sex and menstruation are two totally normal and healthy things — so why not combine the two?

How to Have Better Sex: 6 Tips From Well-Fucked Women

"If you don't feel like you can take something special from that person, don't let them take something from you."  Jules Casto

"If you don't feel like you can take something special from that person, don't let them take something from you." Jules Casto

The following tips include some of my own experiences and opinions on how to be more open and accepting of pleasure. They also include tips from other women that reached out to me via Instagram. The answers I received were all very similar, which strengthened my own convictions about the following tips.

I define a "well-fucked woman" as a sexually empowered and pleased woman who is comfortable coming into their own power, in and out of the bedroom. 

  1. Self Pleasure. I know ya'll are probably sick to death of me talking about masturbation but it is the linchpin to your sexual pleasure. You can't expect anyone to know what feels good for you if YOU don't know. Masturbation is a safe way to explore your body and your pleasure centers. Educate yourself, friends. I talk more about this on my sexual health post, read it here
  2. Own Your Vulnerability. You can have just okay (sometimes even good) sex by remaining shielded. For truly amazing sex, though, you have got to stay open to surrendering. You have to find space to be able to truly receive. This means that you are comfortable with showing up in, and sharing, your vulnerability with your partner(s). This is why choosing the correct sexual partner(s) is important, not everyone is going to be able to hold space for your vulnerability and be open to giving and receiving back to you. When you have sex with someone, energy is transferred. If you don't feel like this person has energy that you want to consume into your body and consciousness, do not choose them as a partner. 
  3. Express What You Need. Be a better communicator with your partner. Express what you need not only to feel pleasure but also to feel safe. Being a better communicator comes from knowing your innate worth and value and getting clear on what you truly value and want. This requires a lot of inside work and self-growth. For me, I had to start accepting the fact that I deserved to feel good, I deserved equal access to pleasure. This also means for me, that I have to be better at setting and enforcing boundaries. An example of a necessary boundary for me in the bedroom is that I need my partner to stay with me after we have finished. If they just hurry and leave, I am left with feelings of being abandoned. This stems from my childhood trauma with abandonment, and I have been able to recognize that, work through it and set boundaries to avoid unnecessary pain. 
  4. Enjoy Sex. Well-fucked women genuinely enjoy sex. They own their sexuality. They have worked through any and all shame demons and have done work to lay them to rest. Sometimes, we come from a background where sex was encompassed in a world of shame, pain or secrecy. I myself attended a conservative, private, Christian-based primary and secondary school so I received zero sexual education in a formal setting. I had to really do some intense inside work to get clear on my own beliefs about sexuality, not those that were dictated to me by others. 
  5. Positive Affirmations. Give yourself permission to have amazing, mind-blowing sex. Give yourself permission to feel sexy, desired and loved. Positive affirmations are just positive sentences that you repeat to yourself because you want to bring something specific into existence. The theory is based in the Law of Attraction and manifestation. Our thoughts and words have energy. I am encouraging you to start applying the practice of positive affirmations to your sexuality. You can find specific examples of these and learn more in my ebook, coming in July. (I will update this post when it is live with a link for purchase!)
  6. Don't Compare. Yes, this is another one you hear me tout regularly, and yes, this even applies to your sexuality. You cannot compare your experiences or desires to those around you. When speaking with Jules about her own experiences, she reminded me of the shame that I used to feel about my sexuality because I was continually surrounded by women with different experiences than me. Whether they intended to shame me or not, they did, but I also allowed them to. It is okay to have friends with different opinions, moral grounding and upbringing than you. What is not okay is if they make you feel bad or different, or if you make them feel bad or different, about sexual choices and partners. Your wants and needs are uniquely yours. Own it, honey! 

None of this is "true". These tips are founded on my own experiences, opinion and my own personal truth. I reached out to other empowered women to get their truths as well. Know that what is true for me or for someone else might not be true for you. That's more than okay, too. Find your truth. Find your freedom. Find your pleasure.